Did ya miss me?

Dont know if anyone actually read this blog, but if so I have a link to my new blogging spot.

I was never able to sign into this one at work so it never got updated.

Greater Expectations

And Onward

I gave myself a day to really be sad. Then a few days to kinda get him outta my system. I'm good now. I miss him and I'm sad how it went down, but what's done is done. Moving along.
I have been chatting w/ a few new boys. Nothing really to type up here. There was a guy who I was kinda interested in. Seemed promising. He texted me to see what I was doing Friday. I mentioned that me and my BFF where going bowling and he was all excited and wanted to come. So I invited him and he accepted the invite but then Friday morning I texted him w/ no reply. Never heard from him until this morning I woke up w/ a text asking if I had a fb page. I dont really know how I feel. Maybe if he apologized or something.
Theres also this other guy. One I really like a lot. But he has a GF. And I finally told him today that I would not be the one he cheats with. If he is unhappy w/ his GF he can break up w/ her and then I think we would have a lot of fun together. That was a hard thing to do. We def have a strong physical/sexual connection.

Tomorrow I have a much needed eye doctors appt and I think I am going to get contacts again. Either way I need something bc I have noticed these glasses arent cutting it anymore.

What have I done?

Goodness. I sure do know how to solve my problems. Flipped out on Thumper and now I don’t have to worry about heart vs. head bc he made that decision for me by ending it.
Sigh…I wanna leave it at that and come back another day to update the long version of this story. But I wont.
Basically He let me know he had plans Fri/Sat. Ok no problem. Then Sunday I texted twice no response. Hmm ok. Monday we texted. Tuesday also. But something was…off. Right before I went to my lunch break he tells me he had a date w/ someone on Friday and it went really well.
…..!..?!!!???
I will admit that I went kinda spazzy for a few text. But BUT I got a hold of myself and apologized. Unfortunately he is done. He has a zero tolerance for this and I knew that. I don’t know why I even let myself get like that bc I don’t even want a relationship. Oh well… Live and learn.
I am still sad. Very very sad. But that’s because I lost a friend and not just that but bc of the way it went down. I am so embarrassed. I am a 28 and behaved like a 15 yr old. I know I have been in a relationship since I was 17, and technically I never really dated. High School BF from 13-17 then Fat Guy from 17-28. No wonder I cant behave rationally and w/ maturity.
So embarrassed...

I Dont Know...

I am so torn.
Heart vs. Head. The epic battle.
No, I don't wanna get back with Fat Guy. Here's the deal.
Hearts Version - I like being in a relationship. I really like Thumper. He's a cuddlier and so affectionate w/ me. Even tho he's really aggressive in bed as soon as the sex is actually over he is super sweet. Kissy faces and lots of touching/kissing. Its a nice balance. He seems like he'd make a good BF. He has a job, car, house, and hobbies, friends, etc. It makes me sad to think he might be having sex w/ someone else. I need to hear from him everyday.
Head Version - I don't wanna be in another relationship so quickly. I need to be out there enjoying life a little. Who cares if he's having sex w/ other people. I should be too. I don't need him to answer me every minute of every day. No expectations. Just have fun! Let life take you were it takes you. Maybe Philip is the one and if so it will happen. And if he's not who cares.
So on that note.. I have joined a new dating site that seems to be promising so far. And I am now chatting w/ a few boys. Man I like boys, lol.

No Labels

May 26th - I had plans to go hang w/ Thumper once I got off work at 10:30pm. He text me to say he wasnt feeling well and would I hate him if he cancelled. I said I wouldnt hate him but I would be disappointed. But he said he really wasnt feeling great and I never wanna push myself on someone when they dont feel good. I told him to feel better and let me know if things changed. At 10:15 he sent me a text saying he had taken a nap and felt better. He invited me back over but let me know we might not get any action. We could just chill. That was fine w/ me. Altho it further complicates the whole what are we label. Seriously...what are we? And of course I went over there and had a great time.

May 30th - I had a 1/2 day so we planned to hang after work. That night we laid in his bed talking and he was going on about people in bad relationships and why they dont just end it, etc. I felt really bad like I needed to tell him that Fat Guy and I were no longer together but I was so worried about him being weirded out. But I went ahead and broke the news to him. He took it really well actually. He has been an awesome friend and has really listened to me. Its nice. And he even made the comment now he can come see me sometimes. :-)
While we were laying there I also asked if he wanted to go swimming one weekend and we agreed on Saturday. All week I was looking forward to him coming to swim with me and my BFF. Its a little nerve wracking to have the 2 of them meet. I just need them to not hate each other. lol Make my life a WHOLE lot easier.

June 4 - We made arrangements Friday night for me to come get him around 12:30 Sat afternoon, and we made it to my gparents house at 1:30. My BFF's parents where also there so he got to meet them, my gparents and my BFF. We swam for a long time then finally was able to drag him outta the pool and we went and had dinner then back to his place. It was an awesome day. The only thing I was/am slightly eh about was we both crashed in his bed and we woke up at like 2:30 and we had a weird moment of I dont wanna leave but I cant invite myself to spend the night. Meh. I wasnt the end of the world, I went home and its fine but... I would have stayed if he would have asked. Oh well... I'm sure that will come in time. Its only been a month.

Cant wait till next weekend.
:-)

Weightless

Every since I moved into my parents house I have felt so happy. I feel less stressed. I am excited to start this new part of my life. I cant wait to get back into my apartment. I'm already eating less and I dont seem to be bothered by it. LOL Its weird. Being back at my parents is ok. I feel comfortable there. And since its just me there's no one to butt heads with or be put in the middle. My parents love me. Just wish I actually still had my room...dumb little brothers. I dont even have the words to express how I feel right now. Free. Alive. IDK. Whatever it is, I like it.

1 week changes everything

I don't even know where to start. Since my last post I told my husband it was over. For real this time. I feel so bad for how I told him and for flip flopping so many times. Even tho I am a evil horrible person who has no guilt I do understand he has feelings. So I feel bad for that.
I moved into my parents house, in the spare room, this weekend. Its a temporary situation until he can get his own place. That apt is in my name and so I am going to keep it. He has to tell his parents, hopefully they will help him get out and set up.
Things are going well w/ Thumper. We aren't looking to be in a relationship so we are just enjoying each others company. I saw him again this Friday. Met him at his house as soon as he got home from work. Had dinner and spent a lot of time just lounging around his bed/couch. I def enjoy spending time w/ him. Hes very sweet and affectionate. I like it. I think I am doing ok not getting too attached. I just don't want him spending time w/ anyone else. We can be FWB's if I'm the only F he B's.
I did chose to NOT let him know just yet about my husband and I splitting up. I don't want him to think I am doing it for him or something.

An old potential flame just reappeared outta the blue on Thursday also. I met this guy in January and we had clicked. We met the first time and all was well. Then one day...poof. He was gone. Stopped texting. Nothing. I emailed him saying that I deserved an explanation but nope, nada. Then Thursday I logged into my gmail and low and behold theres and email from him w/ some lame excuse about why he fell off the face of the earth. Hmm... We emailed back and forth for awhile. Its obvious what he wants. Sucks for him that he didnt email me sooner. I dont wanna skeezebag around. No thanks.

I Heart Nerds.

Yep. And I don't mean the candy. I have never EVER met or talked to a nerd like this until Thumper came along. And to be honest I didn't know he was a nerd at first. I started getting some idea when we talked about what our interest were. But by then I was already interested enough. When he told me he had action figures in his living room, he was so worried I wouldn't be into him anymore. :(
Sad faced. Aww that's cute.

We met on Saturday.
He is adorable.
The day was amazing.
I stayed there from 4pm till 2am.
*sigh...

Wishy Washy

I am never satisified w/ good enough. Friday I got bored an decided I wanted to still be able to talk to new boys but w/o the need to actually go and see then. In other words the perfect tease. So I posted an ad on Craigslist and got a few replies before the ad was flagged. I narrowed down my pick to one guy, we'll call him... Thumper, lol. So Thumper is doing a good job at replacing what I liked about being "single."
But I think I might wanna move this to the next step. I wanna meet him. Maybe he can be my M. I really liked the little thing M and I had going on. Until he got a GF and got all lame.
Sigh...

A Whole Month?!

Wow... that went by fast!

I have quit "dating." Not like I was doing much of that anyway. I never did officially end it w/ the midget. I just stopped answering his text and he finally got the message. I guess I just got my hopes up that the grass was greener on the other side. Its not. All men suck and you have to deal w/ crap from all of them. If its not one thing its another. I have decided (for now) that I prefer the company of someone who I know. No surprises outta this one. Fat Guy loves me and treats me amazingly. No he cant support me. He does alot of stupid crap. But hes working on it. I'm 28 almost 29 and I am ready to be settled. I wanna buy a house (or rent or something, I hate apartments). I'm ready to be a mommy. I just hope that 10 years from now we arent divorced. Or hate each other. I dont wanna waste my time.

One of our major struggles is money. I was fed up w/ being broke and technically we make $1000 more a month then our bills, but have been in this hole for EVER! So we sat down and put on paper a course of action. We are into week 3 and are doing well. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And once we get there that might be all we needed to save this marriage. Financial problems are the #1 reason for fighting in couples. Probably causes alot of divorce too.

How to Break a Heart

With all the guys who have been too aggressive and rude, all the ones who pushed sex and wanted to jump in the sack right away, I had no problem telling them to get a life and stay away from me. I dont feel bad. Even guys who weren't that pushy but I just didn't feel a connection with. I sent them a nice and polite message to beat it. But how do you tell someone, who really seems to be looking for a relationship with you, that you just arent interested. I mean, technically he did lie to me so I could be like uh deal breaker you midget you. I would never. I am not a mean person.
Sigh...I dont wanna do this but I also hate to lead him on longer and longer. I guess I am going to have to just biite the bullet and tell him. But in what form? I'd prefer to just email him and then change my number, lol.
Ugh. Ask me how this goes in a couple days.

The life of a Fat Girl can be kinda rough sometimes. I am currently dealing w/ a bunch of medical things. Not really anything wrong w/ me just trying to get the bugs out. I have a pelvic ultrasound tomorrow. I am nervous and not looking forward to having to go in w/ a full bladder and have them purposely press on my bladder while doing the external ultrasound. After this I get to find out if I need to have a biopsy done, oh the thrills of being a woman.
Pout.

Jungle Fever PSA

I think I love black men.
I know. That sounds wrong. To pick out a specific race.
But I do. They treat me differently* then white men. Black men love me. At least it seems that way. They are immediately attracted to me physically. I feel comfortable with them bc they continually compliment my physical appearance. I feel sexier and confident in my sexiness. Also they tend to be physically in better shape then the white guys who are attracted to fat girls. So that's a plus. We all know the other stereotype. So far that seems to hold up also.
I have a lot more to say here but it feels wrong...so change the subject.
What it seems like is the black men who are attracted to fat white women are really into them. And the white men who like fat white women seem to be indifferent, like they love all women. I hate that. I hate for a guy to say he doesn't have a type. Yes you do. Now we all have the option to go against what we are naturally drawn to, but saying you don't have a type makes me feel less important. My type is fat white guys, on the taller side, hair and eye color dont matter, but its a specific fat body type. But I can find a short black man attractive or skinny white guys...no not really. I dont really like skinny. LOL I dont wanna feel like I can break ya.

*Personal disclaimer*The opinions here are based strickly on my own personal experiences and are not inclusive. Each person is different*

Don't be a Liar

About a week or so ago a guy started chatting w/ me via my dating site. I looked over his profile and I wasn't immediately repulsed. So I figured I would give it a go. We chatted via Yahoo and texted some. I kept looking at his pics. He was a unique looking fellow. Kinda like a shorter weirder version of Ben Stiller (who is already short, mind you). He did make it clear that he was short. 5'4". That's not bad. I'm like 5'2" so hes still taller then me. I was tempted to ask him if he was really 5'4". But I didn't.
He told me how he was real romantic and touchy feely. Asking if that was ok. Which it is. I don't mind that. We agreed to meet up Friday night. At first we thought coffee, but he had to work late, so I told him we could just meet at his house. Now I know what I said in the last entry, but this guy was different. He was not aggressive, nor were all our convos about sex. I trusted my instincts on this, about my safety.
I get ready and I show up early. He text me to say he's home. I park and make my way up to his floor, his apt. Super nervous. I hate this part. I start to think maybe we should have met somewhere. I knock on the door. He opens the door slightly, pops his head out and says hey.
(OMG.)
Then opens the door and lets me in.
(OMG!)
Why? Why would you lie about your height? He is significantly shorter then me. I felt like I was towering over him. I immediately start thinking about an exit plan. I made up some story about my brother needing my car so I couldn't stay too long. I thought about having my BFF give me the safety call. But decided against it. Mainly bc I cant imagine they don't know that its an act to get out.
So one of my issues is being to scared to just get out there and start this single skeeze bag thing. I decided to just go for it. This was going to be the least threatening man I would ever meet, and to just take advantage of it. We fooled around a little and I payed him some *ahem* attention and then I faked a headache.
We sat around and watch some awesome 1993 movie about rollerblading, and I made small talk about how I was actually not looking to date bc I am having a lot of stuff going on in my life. I would hate to bring all my baggage to a new relationship, blah blah blah. Setting it up.
I can't wait till I am free of this one.
Note to self: I am not ok w/ creepy midget versions of Ben Stiller.

Don't be a Skeeze Bag

Even being "separated" from my husband since Dec and him knowing that I am dating I still have yet to have sex w/ anyone else. Now there are multiple reasons why but the one we are talking about today is...I'm scared!
When I was last single, which was long loooooong ago, I was still a teenager. I met Fat Guy and started dating him when I was 1 month from my 18 birthday. So I have never been out in the world as a single adult. Now in JR High I started "dating" a boy name Justin. He was my first everything(once in HS, jeez people). But soon after there was Dave, Matt, Kevin, Daniel, Matt, Scott... Yeah I'm not naming them all, point is once I got the..um...ball rolling there was no stopping me. I met random people and made choices w/o thinking them thru. I put myself in situations that when I look back now I am surprised I survived. But I had a lot of fun and I did survive.
Fast forward to now. Not a lot has actually changed out there, but I have. Like I have said before I am not saving myself and I am not even setting a time frame or anything on the waiting period to ride this ride. But I don't want to meet at a guys apt/house/beach house and don't want him to be expecting sex. Lets meet somewhere and go from there. Why is that too much to ask?
Also please don't have cyber/texting convo's w/ me before we meet in person. And I don't know if I prefer to see all your package either. I mean if you offer I'm not gonna say no bc curiosity gets the best of me, but I don't wanna know everything right away. Takes away the fun. Out of all the guys who started chatting w/ me and sent me pics, sexting/cybering, I have met 2 out of too many to count. Interest seems to go out the window if you share too much in the beginning.

Bottom line: Men and Women need to stick to the old school rules of dating. There can still be casual sex, but a common level of trust has to be established first. So coffee or something first, then we can get on w/ the spreading of syphagonaherpelaids.

Hello to Me

I love to blog. I love that I can blog at work. Otherwise I'd never do it. It helps me clear my head and a stress relief. A place to vent.

A quick little about me. I'm 28 and in a "Its Complicated" relationship. Not to get into it too much in the first post but I told my husband I wanted to separate in Dec of 2010. We agreed to stay together thru the holidays. I then gave him until the end of Feb to get a place of his own, during that time, he made ZERO attempt to find a place so I decided I would leave. I made attempts, I looked into places. Then he said he wasn't sure he could afford to keep the apt. So we went back to him leaving. We determined he needed to tell his parents what was going on so they (him and them) could figure out what would be best for him. Now going into April we got behind on bills (I missed work bc of medical reasons) so I need him to stay for another month or so, so we can get caught up.
Phew.
I am dating. I am fat. I am "single" for the first time in 10 years, 9 months, and 21 days. And dating as a fat woman for the first time in 10 years as an adult. OMG. What have I got myself into!!??! The dating world is insane. Ludicrous. Men (and women, I guess) want everything instantly. Sex first. Then maybe we'll date. I have men coming to me and the first words outta their mouths are would you F me? Uh... Maybe, but not for like 3 months. LOL And that's the thing, its not like I am saving my self, or even have a God forbid 3 date rule, but if you take me to dinner (bowling, bingo, hell anything) and we connect, I'm sure you will get to my girly bits sooner rather then later. Golly G.
Rant over. I'll be back.
<3 Fat Girl